A fresh perspective on divorce, spousal support, child support, parenting after separation and everything family law

Divorce: how do I pop the question?

Have you seen Issac’s lip-dub marriage proposal?

To date, over 13 million people have seen this choreographed lip-dub marriage proposal.

In response, the people at Second City have come up with the first ever live lip-dub divorce proposal.

What do you think of the lip-dub divorce proposal?

Generally, you should not broach the topic of divorce through a lip-dub divorce proposal (unless your spouse has a really, really, really great sense of humor).

So how do you broach the topic of divorce (if you do not think the YouTube musical theater approach is appropriate)?

In Harriet Lerner, Ph.D’s book “The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You’re Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate” she provides some guidance:

To say, “If these things don’t change, I’m not sure I can stay in this relationship, ” is to voice the ultimate bottom line. People threaten to divorce or break up in the heat of anger, which isn’t helpful or fair. Nor should you bring up divorce as an attempt to punish, scare, shape up, or shake up the other person. And surely you shouldn’t feel compelled to mention divorce simply because it passes through your head now and then. Many married folks entertain fantasies about divorce yet are far from acting on it.

That said, talking about divorce is important if you’re thinking seriously about it — even ambivalently. If you’re going back and forth about it in your mind, you need to consider sharing your struggle with your partner. If you do eventually terminate the marriage, a partner will be better able to handle a loss that can be anticipated and planned for. Everyone has the right to know just how high the stakes are if they choose to continue to behave as usual. You owe your partner honesty about a matter that so deeply affects both of you.

The book gives some food for thought about how to deal with difficult conversations, and also a few important caveats:

Obviously , we should never mention divorce (or anything else for that matter) if there is any possibility that a partner will become violent or out of control. In such a case, we first need to seek appropriate help and ensure our physical safety. Nor is it wise to begin a serious talk about divorce if we suspect that a partner might do something sneaky with money that would jeopardize a fair and equitable financial settlement. In such a case, it’s wise to first consult an attorney. Finally, if you’ve already made up your mind to leave, it’s not fair to involve your partner in conversations that imply you’re still willing to work on the marriage.

In terms of serving a partner with a Notice of Family Claim (a.k.a. divorce papers) the same goes – it is generally best to broach the subject of the court action prior to serving your spouse with the documents (unless the above caveats apply).

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